Friday, October 22, 2010

Where Has the Time Gone?

Top ten reasons my blog has not been updated this week:

1. My job (yes, I have one.)

2. More of my job

3. Dirty diapers

4. Return of Reflux and Bottle battles

5. Pumping

6. Washing bottles and pump parts

7. Grieving the loss of Emma Grace

8. Spending all my free time with Zoe and Emmy

9. Picking up the house

10. Cooking

And, when I'm not doing one of these top ten things, I'm eating or sleeping.

Honestly, I can tell you that Greiving the Loss of Emma Grace has occupied a lot of my mind this week. Since I received the call from Emma's mom, Christina, while on her way to CHOP late Sunday night, and Emma's passing on Monday, I've been somewhat of a hermit.

Knowing that we lost another HLHS warrior is devastating.

I knew, when Christina called at 9:30 p.m. Sunday night (12:30 a.m. her time) that something was wrong. Christina relayed to me that she'd just received a call from CHOP about Emma's status. I stayed awake, receiving texts from her to update other heart moms. I had trouble sleeping that night, worrying about Emma. In the morning, I learned that Emma continued to struggle all night and doctors didn't expect her to survive the day. Unfortunately, Emma's doctors were right and Emma passed away in Christina's arms at 11:54 a.m. I received a text from Christina telling me that "Emma went to heaven..."

In that moment, I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt in my heart. Thankfully, I was on the phone with another heart mom, Kathy, who knows Christina and Emma very well and we consoled each other (granted, our babes and toddlers were drowning out a lot of our conversation, but we got the gist of each others thoughts and emotions.)

It goes without saying that I worry every day about Zoe and the possibility that she may not be with us forever. That worry is multiplied and exacerbated when we suffer such an incredible loss, like Emma's passing. Unfortunately, this loss isn't the first and won't be the last.

I so desperately don't want to be an angel momma.

It takes energy to push those unpleasant thoughts out of my mind. The energy used, to stay focused on everyday tasks while remaining positive, is sometimes as much as I can handle.

So, bare with me.

Zoe is doing well. I will post photos soon and relay more details about her latest adventure - eating solid foods.

Soon, soon. Check back soon.


  1. Thank you for the honesty in this post. And, I think I speak for all angel moms when I say we don't want you in this club. I'm sending you strength and energy. I'm glad Zoe is doing well, and hope you're finding some strength in that. xo

  2. It's SO hard when we lose another heart friend, especially when they are close to your heart. Most days I forget about the tubes and the broken heart, then there are days when I'm reminded with a smack in the face.

    We just learned of another heart friend who passed away during a routine MRI at PCH. She was just post-fontan and doing great. SO Sad.

    There are never enough hours in the day. Owen qualifies for nursing respite and I should really use it, but I just don't like the idea of someone else caring for MY little guy. I'm crazy like that.

    Where do you work?