How Old Am I?

Ok, so it's my birthday today. According to my birth certificate, I'm 35.

Last year, on April 14, 2010, I turned 34. It sure seems like I've aged TEN years in the last 365 days!

I remember my birthday last year, like it was yesterday. We'd relocated to Philadelphia the day before - April 13th. We forgot to pack pajamas for Emerson. Among other things, I felt disorganized and lost. We were on a mission to give birth to Zoe and I think the realization of the move caught up to me on my birthday.

We drove to a local mall to buy pajamas for Emerson - after she'd slept in some impromptu pjs the night before - leggings and a long-sleeve shirt. Emerson fell asleep in the car and I sat in the parking lot with her while Caleb ran into the store. It was dead silent. I pulled out my phone and called to check my voicemails (I hadn't been answering my phone; I didn't feel like talking to anyone.)

My best friend, Brian, called and left my birthday song on my voicemail. Every year, for as long as I can remember, I can count on him to call and sing me Happy Birthday in his beautifully-trained voice. So, I'm sitting in the parking lot, listening to my birthday song, bawling my eyes out. How did I get here - to this point in my life that I'm in a strange place, 36 weeks pregnant, not knowing if my soon-to-be-born daughter would live or die?

Wow, what a day (or year for that matter). Many memories from Philadelphia are extremely vivid - some good, some bad. The only memory of my birthday, last year, is me crying in a parking lot outside of JC Penny (and that beautiful voice from my cell phone, which I actually still have saved and listen to on occasion.)

A lot has changed during the year of "34." My baby is ALIVE. And WELL. I am LUCKY. I've seen the other side of our coin and I don't want to go there (in my mind, or ever.)

And so, it is time to be happy and hopeful. It is time to celebrate!

I know this beautiful and valiant little girl is going to give me many more fine lines and wrinkles over the next several birthdays, but she's SO WORTH IT!

Happy Birthday to me - whatever age I may be . . .